Villasillo2008's Weblog

Unfortunately, a large number of people go through life with very little
tactile stimulation. Over the years in my clinical practice I’ve met many
patients who have little experience of touch. The most worrisome aspect
relates to self-examination for health reasons — women need to check their
breasts for cancer and men need to check for lumps that could indicate
testicular cancer. Yet even for such necessary and innocent activities, I’ve
heard patients say, “Lying there touching myself? I couldn’t!”

The connection between sex and touch—any touch—is made early on by many
people. The trouble starts when childhood sexuality is controlled by parental
admonishments of “Don’t touch yourself!” or “That’s dirty”. “Good girls don’t
let boys touch them” is said almost as often as “Big boys don’t cry”. Hugs
from strangers, children must be told, are bad.

In one way or another, touch can be associated with guilt early in life, and
it often becomes acceptable only within the context of secure or “legitimate”
sexual activity. This imprisoning of touch, within the context of sex, means
that touch becomes a lead-in to it — “I know when he wants sex because that’s
when he puts his arm around me”. The end result of this situation is that
often women agree to have sex only because they want touch. Sex is the only
way they can get the warmth and closeness they need, and many surveys on this
subject seem to point to the fact that female promiscuity isn’t an insatiable
desire for sex, but the hunger for touch.

The hunger for touch is a real human need. It can be difficult for men to
admit their need because from the word go, they’re told to be strong and in
control and not to go running to mommy for comfort whenever there’s any
trouble. The association between weakness and cuddles can easily be
transferred into the sexual relationship, so that when a woman attempts to
have her hunger for touch satisfied in his arms, he thinks, “She’s being
pathetic”. This apparent show of emotional weakness can be especially
exasperating for a man who already feels that he is carrying more than his
share of the relationship responsibilities. The woman, meanwhile, finds him
cold and unresponsive.

It is said that women have a better touch than men do, if only because it is
so much more a part of their daily lives. But because so many people equate
touch with sex, these same tactile women may refrain from touching their
partners because it will be interpreted as a sexual advance. So for one
reason or another, touch isn’t always seen as an activity valid in its own
right, a legitimate human need, but is instead seen as a means to an end.

The degree of tactile stimulation in a person’s life is very much affected by
two things: cultural tradition and family circumstances — the general and the
particular. In Japan, until very recently, touching in the street was thought
very bad form; while in Italy everyone seems to be touching each other, from
children to grannies. In most southern European countries the women walk arm
in arm. In Arab and Indian subcontinent countries, men walk holding hands,
and mothers massage their babies and children on a regular, almost daily,
basis, and are in their turn massaged by them. Only the other day I saw three
generations of women from an Indian family stop for a minute at a London shop
front so the granddaughter could massage her grandmother’s apparently
arthritic hand. Westerners tend to leave the massaging of grandma’s arthritis
to the physiotherapist.

Babies carried in the slings that parents hitch around their chests, so the
baby is held close, are far more secure when left with strangers than babies
who are transported around in carriages or strollers are. Children are always
craving to be touched and hugged, but because mothers and fathers are so
often busy, the child often gets rejection instead — “Don’t bother me now.”
Yet the need remains, and becomes amplified so that some may be naughty only
to get a slap because this touch is better than no touch at all!

Fortunately, a person who has “lost their touch” is not lost forever. Because
I give my patients essential oil treatments to use at home, I often ask the
question,” Have you got someone to massage you – your husband, perhaps?” And
often the reply is, “Oh, no, we never touch,” or “He never has” — and some of
these women and men have been married for thirty years or so. (And when was
the last time you gave or received a massage?) Nevertheless, the patient very
often finds the partner willing to take part in the treatment, and I hear
enthusiastic reports: “He’s got a lovely touch, you know.” Soon they want to
return the compliment and pleasure and start to massage their partner, and a
whole new dimension of tactile experience is opened up.

The Sensuous Touch
When sexual energy between a couple is high, there’s not such a need to “go
all the way” because touch, as an activity in itself, can be a wholly
satisfying experience, too. One might not always want to make love,
especially after a long and tiring day, but when ten minutes of sensuous
touch takes place, the same relaxing and satisfying feeling overtakes you and
you fall into each other’s arms, close and at one instead of grumpy and
uptight.

It’s crucial to allow yourself to accept that touching doesn’t have to lead
to sex. Just touch each other in the full knowledge that you’re going to fall
asleep in ten minutes’ time. Caress each other gently, not forgetting the
face and head — kiss goodnight and go to sleep. Sweet dreams.

Three ten-minute touching-only sessions a week would save thousands of
marriages and millions of dollars in psychiatrists’ and doctors’ fees. First
of all, emotional tension is diffused and dispersed so no “bottling up”
occurs. (It’s not uncommon for a person to feel close to tears when touched
after a long time alone.) Despite the facts that touch dissolves tension we
rarely offer it to people whom are “stressed out” — cuddles and sympathy are
reserved for emotional upsets. If your partner comes home one day in a fury
and starts to march around the house sounding off about the day’s events,
treat them with touch by all means, but make it gradual. Start by taking
their hand and simply keep holding it; then stroke their arm. By this time
they might have taken a deep sigh and, if you’re near a chair, they may be
eased into it. Gradually use touch to ease their stress — great
demonstrative, engulfing embraces at times of high stress can just cause an
explosive reaction, so gently does it! We’re all subjected to some degree of
stress during the day and a ten minute touching session before sleep can
really help to ease the burden.

The human organism is electric and needs grounding. The activity of the
brain’s ten billion nerve cells is mainly electrical, and they interact
through the nervous system with the entire body, including the skin. The skin
is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. When you gently stroke your
lover, you’re grounding their electromagnetic surplus energy, calming the
nervous system, and helping to balance out the workings of the endocrine
system.

With touching, it’s as important to have someone who will receive as well as
someone who will give—you can’t have one without the other. The recipient
might look passive, but their energy can be very active. There are two ways
to be passive — with a tired listlessness, or with “focused awareness,” as
the ancient Indians would say. It’s this second form of passivity that we’re
trying to aim for here — a live receptivity, relaxed, breathing normally (not
held), senses alive, and mentally allowing and encouraging energy flow
through the body.

If you have difficulty in accepting passivity, you can console yourself with
the knowledge that you’ll be active when the roles are reversed. But if you
find it difficult to accept touch from your lover, you may be in the wrong
relationship! All lovers should, at least, be happily able to accept each
other and each other’s love.

With any form of touch, the most crucial aspect is the thought behind it.
Touch is not universally innocent or well intentioned. Some people touch
other people so that they have a surface against which to feel themselves.
They aren’t concerned about transmitting their love so much as using someone
else to create sensation in their own fingertips so that they can love
themselves. This is a tricky one, but you’ll know it when you feel it.

There is also an invasive touch—when someone makes physical contact to see
“how far he or she can go”. This is when it’s necessary to state an objection
to touch with “How dare you touch me!” or something equally definitive so the
message gets across that they can’t go any further. One doesn’t linger over a
touch with the boss because it would probably be interpreted as a sexual
advance, and for the same reason, bosses avoid lingering touches of their
staff. And a punch on the chin is another, more obvious, form of negative
touch!

Just as negative thoughts behind a touch can be identified, so too can
positive thoughts, which can then be put to good use. One can literally
infuse touch with the power of thought. When you touch your lover, close your
eyes perhaps, but in any event; think of your hands as an extension of your
heart — your love — reaching right into their heart through the surface of
their skin. Let go of any negative thoughts you may have had throughout the
day toward your lover. Forget about disagreements, put them aside for now and
concentrate on the positive — giving love generously. If you really
concentrate and allow your natural energies and senses to be your guide, your
loving touch will become a magnificent and surprising tool that can be
incorporated into lovemaking. Touch shouldn’t be a form of foreplay only, but
an ongoing, energy-circulating, and stimulating tool, used to fan the fires
of passion. Lovemaking is an obvious time to fully utilize the power of
touch, if only because this is the only time most of us have our naked skin
available, ready and willing. Why waste the chance of taking advantage of it?

Touch can be extremely effective on its own by simply using gentle, stroking
movements with the palm and fingers of your hand. Incorporate the well-known
erogenous zones of the body (bearing in mind that everyone is unique in this
respect) including the neck, ears, shoulders, back, nipples, thighs,
buttocks, the curve of the hips, the sides of the body, and not forgetting
the feet. There are 72,000 nerve endings in each foot! Try gently stroking,
massaging, or sucking the feet and toes. No, we’re not trying to tickle the
partner here; many people experience an exquisite sense of relaxation after a
session of foot attention.

If we accept that touch can be a legitimate activity unrelated to sex, then
we can really begin to explore its potential. Our society needs to recognize
the beneficial effects touch has on the nervous system with the same
readiness as it today pops tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Touch is an
important human activity in its own right, crucial to our well-being and an
absolute delight. So, let’s get in touch!